Cobwebs

Kerrist! I can't believe a month has flown by , I was catching up with Nora for a coerced drink (her coercing me!) last night, she had finally recovered from having *some chunks* (as she put it succinctly ) removed from her nasal passage, and was hanging out for a drink and a cig (not necessarily in that order), giving her a 30 sec moment of bliss as she inhaled and drank was quite amusing .  I said ' oi, make sure you don't dribble in front of me k' .  She just carried on oblivious in her bliss.

  

A few hours later after I had been given a lecture (yet again) about my production work (she's my unofficial CFO) she looked at me and said *D, you need to get laid* ...
"Geez thanks!" I said, 'why does it show?'  'Uh huh' was the bemused reply.  How does a person get that from another?  I mean is it printed in indelible ink on one's forehead?, is there a small post-it stuck some where on one's person that only a friend can see? Hmmm I wonder if a face tick has turned up and is broadcasting this nugget of information in Morse code to all and asunder.

  Eventually I told her to eff off as only a good friend can, my cobwebs are my business , which brings me to a funny tale about my sad state of affairs... I was in the office, of one of the companies I do event work for, and Bill, the owner who is a friend, was teasing me about an upcoming event I was working on for him.  'D, there's going to be a lot of guys at the launch hey, you might get lucky!'  he says with a huge cheesy grin . ' Bill, have you seen the caliber of men in this town?, it's not surprising I'm called the haunted house!' I say, as all the guys in the office start laughing including my best mate Kina who's helping me out with the deco.  ' He'll have to be a bit like the raider of the lost ark hey' says Bill 'Why?' I ask .. 'Because he's going to have to hack his way through to the temple of doom! ' says Bill as everyone rolls around the floor laughing hysterically.   Typical I think, well at least none of them have offered up their services..one small mercy.. I look at Kina, she's joined the other side, I shake my head and depart with a v sign to them. I'm not even going to get into the big eyes, eyebrow lifting and fake winking every time some guy spoke to me that night... needless to say the word *score* did not pass anyone's lips at all.

 Don't get me wrong, there's nothing wrong with me, but I must say, being single nowadays is like dodging land mines, where do some men get their lines from? Is there a website or hand guide to the cheesiest lines ever? The standard line is 'where are you from?' . A myriad of answers gallop through my mind, from 'my mother's womb? to' take a stab in the dark' .... And then there are the friends who introduce you to their male friends whom they think are 'perfect' for you, most of the time after said painful introduction, the temptation to strangle your friend or pretend you're deaf is weighed up very very carefully. 

 It's a very confusing time as well to be single, the rules of engagement have changed, I mean now days no one goes on dates, seriously, when I asked a bunch of my male friends about what constituted a date, there were lines being drawn.  The guys who said 'well a date is when you call a girl up and ask her out to dinner which could be followed by a movie or clubbing' were labeled old skool where the guys who said 'well I'd ask her out for a drink ' were the guys who were now. Some of the women concurred. I mean 'hello, fancy a bonk' never did it for me, then or now. 

 And then there is the *choice* of men in our age group.. I was staring at this guy at a party, and flashes of Miami Vice (the TV series, not the movie) were popping up as I watched him schmooze his way about, and I thought 'really?' 'seriously?' 'for real?'  I'm sure that particular persona had died along with the padded shoulders... Craning around to see if there was a Ferrari parked next to the curb I was unexpectedly accosted by said sleeve pushing, pant pulling , gut sucking person.  'Hey, beautiful' is the opening line.  Caught  , I forgot to breathe, so paralyzed was I by the sheer audaciousness of Mr Retro, 'you know it's you I've been waiting for ' he says as I do an impersonation of a flounder, 'I know we're going to have a great life together' the creature continues, ' I can see you with me in my summer house, darling we're going to be married in six months time for sure, you can ask you friend Ari to be your best man, '  the said Ari, my 'former' closest male friend is sitting at the mini bar grinning at me, I swear I could see a pointed tail curled around the bar stool he was sitting on. I said ' uh, excuse me a sec, I have to see a man about a burial'.. and make a break for my 'former' friend Ari. Diving behind him I hiss 'W T F '! Do you know what he's saying to me!!!!' Ari gives a me a lazy smile and says 'c'mon D, he's an ok guy, maybe he really means it' I choke on my drink and Ari has to thump my back as I hold off the jets of gin and tonic which are threatening  to burst forth from my nostrils. ' Are you mad?, the guy is a total creep!' I manage to croak, I'm then joined by conspirator no. 2, who's also grinning at me, 'Yea D, c'mon, he's cute, he's rich, and he's coming your way....' Gina says. I look in disbelief at both of my friends as Mr Retro oils over. 'Hey guys, I want you to come to our wedding!' he cries out, 'this is my future ex wife!' My usual cutting lines have packed up and departed,  I can only look at him.  He continues ' hey darling, why don't you come over to my place, I've got these great king prawns, I can cook them up for us, they're so delicious, trust me, I won't do anything to you'  he says looking at me, well I think it's at me, as he's much taller and he could just be talking to my cleavage.  I manage an insincere smile and decline as graciously as I can.  The man can't take a hint, and says he's heading off, why don't I give him my number and he'll call me to give me directions to his place.  Two sets of eyes are burning into me, I stammer out my phone number really fast forgetting to switch the last number and hoping that because I'm rattling it off faster than the speed of sound he doesn't catch it.. my bad, he's had practice for sure as he repeats it back accurately.  

Fast forward two years later I'm still getting sms messages from him along the lines of ' You're impossible. Let me know when we can get together to discuss OUR future as we're not getting any younger'  Have I gone mad? Did I skip a chapter in my life somewhere? I have bumped into him sporadically at different places and it's always ' hey babe, I'm still waiting for you, hey everyone have you met my future ex wife!'  I can't tell you how fast an exit I make but I'm sure I've broken the 50 meter dash record in some country somewhere.

 In the mean time another mate of mine,with an innocent look, offered to buy me an industrial vacuum cleaner 'for the cobwebs', he says. The look lasted for two seconds,  before he turned around and collapsed with laughter. Setting aside the spring cleaning jokes, there is more to the haunted house that meets the eye.  Dx