Call me the Mad Hatter

Whichever club I spinned in, Ron was always supportive (@ Duddels in HKG)

"Hey Ron, great to see you " I say to one of my oldest and best friends as I fling my arms around him for a big hug.  "I gotta go to the loo" I add hastily, "Huh?" he says.  "I gotta go to the loo...now!.., I was waiting till you came out of the gates as I didn't want to miss your arrival! "  We were at the air port, I had come to pick him up.. with a full bladder.. of course.  I had invited him to attend my eldest son's wedding, who else would be my right hand man.  I mean  I've known him from when I was 19, Ron was my best man at my wedding, he was the first to know when I was pregnant, who was my roomie when things got tough, and my rock who whisked the kids and myself away for a month when my husband died and is certainly considered a family member. (I won't tell you all terrible things I did to him that included nail polish and toothpicks....)

We catch up in the car on the drive back from the airport,  it's been 3 years since we've seen each other, so much to say, in one hour.  Of course I intersperse my sentences with colourful adjectives to the drivers who are cutting me up on the high way, he cracks up and says " Daphne, you have to chill out", huh  that's rich coming from Mr potty mouth number one when "HE" drives in Hong Kong or Thailand.!

Our last vaccy in Phuket with Sue whom he introduced to me when I lived in BKK 

My youngest son Ayden is at home, waiting eagerly for Ron, they have a bro/dude relationship, which is good, they can commence with the secret "guy talk" as I have to then jet off to sort out yet another chore before the wedding.  When I get home, my daughter eventually arrives from school, gives Ron hugs and a load of sass (while he chuckles, amused as his little Lani is now all gown up) ... what can I say, she's 17 and is flexing her muscles.  It proves to be a hilarious evening, Ayden who's got a whole head full of light brown tight curly hair has had it cut for the wedding , I looked at him  and said to Ron  " Bobby Brown, ain't no body humpin around, he's got a flat top!"  .. which triggers off a youtube playback of our old songs!  Everything came out from  mc hammer, sugarhill gang, George clinton, bobby brown's my perogative, cameo to  Whitney Huston , the kids gave up somewhere around SNAP when Ron and I were singing loudly to "I got the Power" !  

We had two more days to D day, dresses had arrived (yes yes, I buy my dresses online nowadays, no time or inclination to swim around the mall with thousands of folk) but the kids needed dress shoes. Ok for the average Malaysian it's not a problem, but I have a 16 year old kid who was hitting 6F 1 with size 11 feet and a daughter who also had problems getting shoes her size.   Thankfully we managed to find some decent shoes and shirts within the allotted time (hey we were on a tight schedule) , then it was dash straight to Lisa's house who had to exchange some stuff with me for the wedding trays called "Dulang", that she had created, then back home.   I was already exhausted, but I am woman,  so I rolled on.

The "Dulang" that included the traditional gift of "tepak sireh" arranged by www.oxoloco.com )

The Wedding Reception Day arrives, and pandemonium breaks out,  Ron and I pick up the 350 jars of pickled ginger I made for my sons door gifts  from my sister in law's house, who had been kind enough to help me make them and also to keep them refrigerated ( had no more space in mine!).  We then zoomed to pick up the stressed out groom, then straight to the wedding venue to pass them the door gifts and also double check seating arrangements.

 I told Ron it was time for tea once we were done, he looked at me like I was mad, he said " we'll be going to the wedding in a few hours"  I said " believe me, by the time they start the dinner you'll be fainting of hunger, eat now, live later."  Once every one had eaten, I jetted off to the beauty centre, just my luck all the hairdressers were busy, at least my nails were done, then back home to turn on the curling iron whilst I got ready, err excuse me, whilst the ENTIRE family got ready, shouts of "have you got any perfume I can borrow", "mooommmmmmm where is my tie",  "Moooommm are you done yet?", "does this go with the dress?". "where is my speech??" .. and in between the crazy there are texts and calls coming in from everyone.  An asinine text has me hitting the roof,  Ron starts  bundling me into the car before I have a full blown 'daphasode'! "comon Daphne, it's go time, SMILE SMILE SMILE "

Kids said FREESTYLE IT MUM! 

I must say it was a surreal moment seeing my son and his bride enter the venue, watching them as a unit go around and talk to guests.  My lovely daughter took over the baton and did a speech, it was succinct, to the point and full of love.  My brothers and their wives rallied around me, "well he's now hers Daph, ...wait till you become a grandma" ..(luckily they were holding me because for some strange reason I was choking )

My Son Christopher and his bride Irena

I look at my son,  flashes of memories, Chris as a baby, his happy little face when he used to wake up, first time he took a french fry from me and sucked on it as he had no teeth,  the first time he laid his head on my chest and stared into my eyes, the little Halloween costumes I sewed for him, his teenage mutant ninja turtle collection, his love for lego, his drawings, his singing, begging me to go see Linkin Park, playing spaceman in the school play to the sounds of David Bowie's Major Tom,  skateboarding with his buddies, his first girlfriend, his first heartbreak, leaving for the UK and now getting married.   The circle of life.  Powerful stuff.

I'm driving Ron back to the airport, this time he's using adjectives  which may I say are a RAINBOW in colour compared to mine, at the drivers that are all over the road, I laugh and say "now you understand!".    As the saying goes, you can't choose your relatives but you can certainly choose your friends, and I'm blessed to be surrounded with so many who love and support me.   Cheers to the bride and groom and their blessed future together.

The "M" word

So much has been spinning through my mind lately, it was hard to focus on exactly which topic I wanted to write about this week.  I realised that sometimes you do have to share some personal aspects of your life because somewhere, someone is going through the same thing and could possibly benefit from knowing they're not alone in their experience.

Lets set the scenario shall we.  I get a text from my son Christopher in the UK and he says "hey mum, you wanna Skype on Sunday?'.  Nothing out of the ordinary there as we usually speak once a month on Skype, so when we did have face time I was surprised to see his girlfriend Irena next to him on the screen.  Even more surprising was the fact that he was just staring at me after the initial hello and was keeping silent.  My youngest son Ayden who was next to me said "dude, this is getting awkward man, say something" aaanndd he did, "Mum Irena and I have decided to get married, after all we've been with each other for 6 years now and feel the time is right " he must have said more but all I could hear was "I'm getting married".   Now my son is 26, which is not an unusual age to get married, after all I got married at 25... WHICH is why I freaked out all the way from Skype, to my room,  to calling my mother up in the UK, to crying on the phone to my best friend in Australia.

father and son

Why was I freaking out?  Firstly he'd just finished his degree in Uni, had hardly been working for more than 6 months at a job he didn't particularly like whilst waiting and applying for what he was qualified for, secondly he had no assets what so ever including savings and LASTLY as I quoted to him, my marriage to his father at such a young age was a total disaster and I didn't want the same for him.  The most worrying part was that he was going to quit his job, pack up his flat and come back to Malaysia (as Irena is Malaysian) because Irena wanted a "traditional" wedding and he thought he could work here for a few months whilst all the marriage preparations was going on and wanted my blessing, (cue me clutching my chest and doing a southern belle swoon, well more like a Hobbit needing CPR if you ask me)

Back to the Skype conversation, by this time I was incoherent with anger, sadness, frustration because everything I had been hoping for, for him to work towards was thrown out of the window in a blink of an eye in a spectacular manner.  I said I did not agree to the marriage, and would not give him my blessing.. the conversation stuttered to a halt, and eventually I excused myself whilst Ayden took over (ever the diplomat to smooth things over)

To try to write about what transpired in those two months would be akin to a Latina Telenovella script.  Once Irena flew back to Malaysia, he packed up his things, went to stay with my mother for a week, and though she tried to talk some sense into him he was determined to see it through. Meantime back in the land of no smiles and political unrest, my father had been diagnosed with non hodgkins lymphoma and was undergoing chemo, my youngest brother whom I had not seen for 20 years was coming back to KL to see him and Christopher flew into town without informing me, which really hurt.

My best bud Ron and my brother Zaki on the right

Seeing my younger brother after so long was like a ray of sunshine, we had grown up in our teens and twenties in Hong Kong and had been close.   He had eventually settled his family in Australia and has been working offshore all this time, I have missed him so.   I took him aside at the family get together to have a quiet word with him, and he in turn had one with me.  He said "do you remember what  you were like in your twenties? and when you wanted to marry Chris's dad and how mum was totally against it? did anyone or anything stop you? think about it.  It's his life, and if it's a mistake it's his mistake to make, give him your blessing and let it go"  I mulled it over for a bit, thinking back to when I was the same age and what I was going through and feeling at the time. I laughed out loud in realisation because my mother reacted the same way as I did when I told her I was getting married!

Yup I got married against my mother's wishes !

So I wrote my eldest son, whom I love so much and had gone through so much for to have in my life, a letter from my heart to tell him in the gentlest way my concerns, to reassure him of my love for him and to give him my blessing because at the end of the day, the most important thing was his happiness.  Isn't that what all mothers want for their children?

Today I'm helping him sort out his wedding trays (in Malaysia they are called "Dulang" it holds the gifts he will present to her at their wedding ceremony),  making the door gifts for the guests, listening and discussing with him possible job opportunities, attending the food tasting for the banquet and generally any information he needs to help make his marriage and time here (as he's reassured me he's not going to "live" here) as stress free and as smooth as possible.  We've got a month and a bit more to go before the big day.

at his 21st b'day when Chris started dating Irena

The most important thing we are put on this earth, is for and to love,  and it is with love I write this (but please god let my other two kids be 350 years old before they get married!!!)   Have a great week and thank you again for reading my blog.