The "M" word

So much has been spinning through my mind lately, it was hard to focus on exactly which topic I wanted to write about this week.  I realised that sometimes you do have to share some personal aspects of your life because somewhere, someone is going through the same thing and could possibly benefit from knowing they're not alone in their experience.

Lets set the scenario shall we.  I get a text from my son Christopher in the UK and he says "hey mum, you wanna Skype on Sunday?'.  Nothing out of the ordinary there as we usually speak once a month on Skype, so when we did have face time I was surprised to see his girlfriend Irena next to him on the screen.  Even more surprising was the fact that he was just staring at me after the initial hello and was keeping silent.  My youngest son Ayden who was next to me said "dude, this is getting awkward man, say something" aaanndd he did, "Mum Irena and I have decided to get married, after all we've been with each other for 6 years now and feel the time is right " he must have said more but all I could hear was "I'm getting married".   Now my son is 26, which is not an unusual age to get married, after all I got married at 25... WHICH is why I freaked out all the way from Skype, to my room,  to calling my mother up in the UK, to crying on the phone to my best friend in Australia.

father and son

Why was I freaking out?  Firstly he'd just finished his degree in Uni, had hardly been working for more than 6 months at a job he didn't particularly like whilst waiting and applying for what he was qualified for, secondly he had no assets what so ever including savings and LASTLY as I quoted to him, my marriage to his father at such a young age was a total disaster and I didn't want the same for him.  The most worrying part was that he was going to quit his job, pack up his flat and come back to Malaysia (as Irena is Malaysian) because Irena wanted a "traditional" wedding and he thought he could work here for a few months whilst all the marriage preparations was going on and wanted my blessing, (cue me clutching my chest and doing a southern belle swoon, well more like a Hobbit needing CPR if you ask me)

Back to the Skype conversation, by this time I was incoherent with anger, sadness, frustration because everything I had been hoping for, for him to work towards was thrown out of the window in a blink of an eye in a spectacular manner.  I said I did not agree to the marriage, and would not give him my blessing.. the conversation stuttered to a halt, and eventually I excused myself whilst Ayden took over (ever the diplomat to smooth things over)

To try to write about what transpired in those two months would be akin to a Latina Telenovella script.  Once Irena flew back to Malaysia, he packed up his things, went to stay with my mother for a week, and though she tried to talk some sense into him he was determined to see it through. Meantime back in the land of no smiles and political unrest, my father had been diagnosed with non hodgkins lymphoma and was undergoing chemo, my youngest brother whom I had not seen for 20 years was coming back to KL to see him and Christopher flew into town without informing me, which really hurt.

My best bud Ron and my brother Zaki on the right

Seeing my younger brother after so long was like a ray of sunshine, we had grown up in our teens and twenties in Hong Kong and had been close.   He had eventually settled his family in Australia and has been working offshore all this time, I have missed him so.   I took him aside at the family get together to have a quiet word with him, and he in turn had one with me.  He said "do you remember what  you were like in your twenties? and when you wanted to marry Chris's dad and how mum was totally against it? did anyone or anything stop you? think about it.  It's his life, and if it's a mistake it's his mistake to make, give him your blessing and let it go"  I mulled it over for a bit, thinking back to when I was the same age and what I was going through and feeling at the time. I laughed out loud in realisation because my mother reacted the same way as I did when I told her I was getting married!

Yup I got married against my mother's wishes !

So I wrote my eldest son, whom I love so much and had gone through so much for to have in my life, a letter from my heart to tell him in the gentlest way my concerns, to reassure him of my love for him and to give him my blessing because at the end of the day, the most important thing was his happiness.  Isn't that what all mothers want for their children?

Today I'm helping him sort out his wedding trays (in Malaysia they are called "Dulang" it holds the gifts he will present to her at their wedding ceremony),  making the door gifts for the guests, listening and discussing with him possible job opportunities, attending the food tasting for the banquet and generally any information he needs to help make his marriage and time here (as he's reassured me he's not going to "live" here) as stress free and as smooth as possible.  We've got a month and a bit more to go before the big day.

at his 21st b'day when Chris started dating Irena

The most important thing we are put on this earth, is for and to love,  and it is with love I write this (but please god let my other two kids be 350 years old before they get married!!!)   Have a great week and thank you again for reading my blog.