Begin again

It's been a mixed bag this week, I came back from Brizzie after being invited to go see a show there , had a tremendous time with the "godmother".  She booked me in for an awesome massage, ahhhh it was sooo good, I could go on for ages but then you'd have massage envy and give up reading !

We also went for a yoga class that she does weekly and I was pleasantly surprised as it was Iyengar Yoga and a discipline I was used to, even more surprising was the muscle memory of my body.  Ok don't get me wrong, I still do yoga at home, and follow some of the Yogis online and do between 20 to 30 mins every other day, so I can still groan, bend over and touch my toes  anddddd breathe at the same time! taa daa!  But Iyengar is a stricter discipline and I love all the muscle trembling moments of it, (No not masochistic) it makes me feel alive

the Catherine Tate Show at the QPAC

Which brings me to this, oh oh I can see you all holding your breaths, chill out , I"m fine, I'm still in remission and plan to be for a LOOOooooooonnngggggg time.

I had gone in recently for my regular oncology check up with a quick nip up to the vampire uh I mean hematology nurse for my blood test, this one was quite funny, she said my vein kept running away from the needle, so after a few attempts we moved to the other arm, where the vein there decided to play possum and give it up. 

Ok well minus the black plastic nurse outfit...

Aneeee how, after my chit chat with my long suffering Oncologist ,whom lets face it I've bullied, been sarky to, teased, made jokes about but is still smiling when he sees me, says "right everything is good, levels are normal for you (notice for ME) and I've got something here for you to read and go over.  It's a preventative chemo treatment called POMM" (ha ha ha ha.. stop it) " it's very low doses of chemo in a pill".

 Now in my mind I'm thinking , me and my big mouth, why did I ask him what symptoms to look out for should I be concerned about the cancer coming back,( note to self, kick your bum when you get home) thus he's pulling out the stops and we're talking chemo again.. (cue screeching to a halt sound)

So I ask my usual questions, what does it do, what are the side effects, how long will it be for... two years.. wait what?  TWO YEARS.???.. are you kidding me?  er no and there is that dreaded vincristine drip involved on a monthly basis.  I look at my doc and think, this is not the type of Christmas prezzie I was expecting dude.

This was all before I went to Brizzie so put it out of my mind until I returned and read through the bumpf... wronggg.. should have stayed ignorant of it all.. however the one thing that stood out was wha they called the median of survival for lymphoma which was 5 years.  So when he called me I said, "so are you saying I've got a possible 5 years only to live?! " He say "no not at all, it's just a general median, not based on individuals but on a group"

Now see, those sort of things do play on your mind, and with that I went in to the cancer centre as usual for my weekly get together and to speak to my Nurse there about the proposed treatment.

My Youngest Son and Daughter, at his formal.

There are a few things ....ok ok lets get a wee bit serious ok, pull up a chair and lean forward) . there are a few things I want to be clear about, I have spoken to my kids, they support me in what ever decision I make, and they know I've always said, I want quality of life as opposed to quantity of life. If for example the 5 year mark is the yard stick then I'm doing exactly what I've planned to do, that is to live life now, in this moment, with joy and gratitude in my heart, to know that I will put everything in place first as a consideration to my children (i.e. will, funeral arrangements, my own little collage of pics and music ala love actually heh heh a nutter even beyond the grave) because and I say this with all honesty, death is something we all face, weather it's now, later on in life, tomorrow, one thing is for certain, it's not something we can decide or plan.  It happens.  How it happens as well is truly out of our hands.  If you understand that there is nothing to fear from death, that it's just another journey.  The emotions you feel are due to you leaving loved ones behind, but if you are open and honest and prepare them, then death should be something celebrated, because it was a good life, it was a meaningful life, filled with the entire mixed bag of emotions, experiences and to have had the privilege of living it  and understanding why we are here.

Being a cancer survivor does not define me. in essence I am who I am with another new facet.

 So don't put off tomorrow what you can do now, today, go on that holiday you've planned for for ever, chat up that guy or girl you've always wanted to, dance naked under stars at night (but for god's sake don't let you kids catch you or they'll be scarred for life!) read all the books you want, compete in all the races or competitions you've said you wanted to do, latin dance classes, skydiving, just do it and have no regrets.  Breathe!

 I'll say this I am luckier than most, for that I am eternally grateful.  Stop blubbing, grab a tissue, I'm still here la!
with love and gratitude
Dx

Is that the light at the end of the Rabbit Hole?

I was thinking of writing my blog a few months ago when we uploaded all the videos of the blond hair being lopped off, but then I've been a bit pre occupied with the chemo treatments and was in emergency with a high fever (it's what happens when you have a compromised immune system) so was in the hospital for 3 days with blood transfusions and antibiotics , they finally let me out. I must have looked like a missile outta control getting out of there!  Well I was counting my free days, 4 more and I had to go back in for another round of treatment.

Hello it's me!  still alive n kickin at Noosa! 

Reading through some of my texts and letters to friends and family it looks like I've totally lost my sense of humour ( I know I have as I've started posting on Face book political pages... which I never do as a rule!) and it seems that the treatment was my total focus (kinda of hard not to be! but hey there's more to life),  so I took my self to the  cancer centre called  BLOOMHILL
www.bloomhill.com.au   Best thing I ever did.  My designated nurse was fantastic, my brother had arrived on the same day so he came along to and was mightily impressed.   It's situated in the middle of this fab rain forest, the cafe which is on their deck is wonderful, peaceful and you could just sit there sipping your latte and nibbling on your lemon slice for ever.

Whilst we were taking in all this goodness, there was an unexpected cancellation and since I was there I managed to get a reflexology session.  It was bliss, and she dropped some important knowledge on me.   The thing I noticed is as cancer patients, we ask all sorts of people for advice but the best are the nurses and caregivers.  So now I've got something I can do with the numbness on my fingertips which is caused by one of the chemo combos.  You leave the centre feeling calm and peaceful.  Next time I went was for a psychiatrist consult.  Not scary at all, peaceful, lovely cuppa , brilliant view an such a patient calm doc. 

I have yet to go back and use their yoga or massage classes but I will as soon as we've got a rein on the appointments at the hospital  and my weekly chemo sessions.  Oh you want to know how it went with the Psychiatrist?  Well of course I'm mental but then it's a good mental and I'm in the normal zone so far!!!! I'm now closing on the last two cycles of my treatment.  Because of it's toxicity levels building up in me, my hemoglobin and platelet counts get wiped out so I have to go back n forth to the hospital for loads of transfusions.  A big huge thank you to those of you who donate blood and Platelets ( that's you Annie), we couldn't survive without you.

I'm sure my oncologist wished I'd be as thankful to him,  the other day at our appointment before he could do anything i said "look at my eyebrows!", he looked at them and said " err they're nice",  I said are they straight and do they look too dark?"   he said " no..., is there a reason to this? " .  "Yes !" I said, "as part of  an ongoing care for patients, doctors should provide eyebrow and eyelash accessories as part of hairloss due to chemo!", which floored him.  Well it kept him grinning for a few minutes. I have no idea how to do eyebrows, mine were low maintenance when I had them,  so I have to  keep asking my daughter to help out!  Annie finally got me eyebrow stencils, thank god for that, makes life so much easier. Don't even ask me about eyelashes, I'm still staring at the false eyelashes wondering how I'm going to glue it on... knowing my luck it'll adhere to upside down!! eeekkk

https://www.rosettelavedette.com/en/hair-growth-after-chemo/     Hair Growth After Chemo

My Doc keeps reassuring me I'm doing really well, and I'm dealing with it well too.  Huh if only he saw the sobbing, and sulking and moaning I do . (well none of you get to see it cept my kids and brothers... well that's what brothers are for!). Kids more because I love when they hug and hold me and tell me it's OK.  It's been a real ride down this rabbit hole and I've got 5 more weeks to go.

So here's the thing, I think I'm hooked on food porn, my appetite is totally shot to smithereens but with one of my close buddies posting Malaysian Specialties and my family and friends posting all the dishes they're eating, I'm addicted!  Which led me to search you tube for cancer friendly meals... lemme tell you, there is a LOT out there!!!  Let your common sense guide your tummy's path is all I can say.  I've turned into a pesco pollo vegetarian, even the smell of steaks on the grill turn my tummy.  And correct you want a slight tang with your food, so dishes like NOT SO HOT Tom Yum, Pho, fried glass noodles etc are so much more appetising.

Satay

Curry Mee

Asam Laksa

(https://youtu.be/YdD5mXZIjJs)

 (I sent out a distress call to all my close friends for sour plums!).   I've actually been toying with the idea of doing a small vlog on cooking for your self as a cancer patient.... well I might have a go at it once I get the wind in my sails again.

Dried preserved plums!

Anyway just wanted to touch base with you all, thank you for posting all your positive notes on my blog and fb wall as well as my Insta account .  To those who gave and gave for the GoFundMe Account that Annie hosted, thank you from the bottom of my heart ( a little bird told me I had so many of you caring for me) Reach out to me please anytime if you have questions or if you have answers.
Dx