Wake me up before you go pro

"You know how girl's can say - oh I really like her she's great, but if I were to say the same thing  I'd cop it big time mate !!" , "yeah mate, that f@rked yeah, and then". .. Argggghhhh do I have to wake up to this verbal vomit being spouted by the tradies who are working on the finishing touches to the houses next door?   I feel for my headphones on top of my "doona". (when in Australia....) and hit play.. ahhhhh thank the goddess for music. I scoot out of bed and look out my window at the two young tradies below who have no idea that the entire street can hear this heartfelt 'woe is me' bleat... Uh grow up please! I grumble to myself.  Such is life now that we've moved house, we had no idea that the development next door would take this long. Sometimes I wake up to the sounds of drilling (the drill guys the drill... tsk) or banging (again with a hammer...sheesh) and or someone has brought along a MEGA speaker, seriously the size of luggage, ok ok not the 25 kilo bags more like the 7kg carry on ones, but still.. and has ramped up the volume to the max with everything from mumble rap to Ozzie country songs. I shall not complain.. much.. because sometimes when I hear them all laughing together it makes me smile, how wonderful to have a great day filled with such good energy.

Tradie Matey

Every time I think of setting up to video my vlog, I wonder what conversations from the tradies will be picked up on my mic ! Can you imagine? ha ha ha, mind you it would add some spice and humour to the vlog!! Something I feel has been somewhat lacking in my life for a bit, last year was pretty dark, two of my closest friends passed away suddenly within months of each other, that hated phone call when all you hear is sobbing and sharp intakes of breath as the news is broken to you. I'm no stranger to death, we have a complicated relationship, it started when death took my husband away 20 years ago. Wait! What??! 20 YEARS??? I had to count back and do some swift calculations there!! WTH? has it been that long? WOW that was unexpected , and Oi none of those black widow jokes!

 

 However it brings to mind how much life has changed, I said to my buddy Johan, why do they not tell you these things about ageing for kerist's sake! The stiff muscles, creaky joints, the GREY of hair and not only on your head, OMG ...really?... yeah (hear that lad's next door, that's what you're going to be talking about soon enough, hah!) When I called up my mentor and ex boss to get some advice on podcasting, I had asked what he was up to these days, he said " D, I turned 70, I'm supposed to be retired but I can't sit around and do nothing! so I still do some consultancy and compose music apart from going for dialysis twice a week" .. umm .. So many of us have made huge changes in our life, either due to illness, (like me), a change of countries (again I raise my hand ) early retirement, ageing, or just to step away for a total change to help with work life balance. What made you make that change? How did you handle it, what goes through your minds, and how has it turned out? 

I'ma leaving on a jet plane

For me , as I was taking another one of my long walks and nodding to the people walking their dogs or fit mums jogging behind the prams and mumbling curses at the cyclists who zip by ringing their bells , UGH! I'm turning into THAT BAG LADY! I swear I can see myself standing at the corner of the street, muttering at everyone going past and casting them evil looks and showing them many different varieties of finger signs!! Anyway I digress I was thinking, so 6 years ago, the universe tapped me on the shoulder and said "Oi, you need to make some massive changes in your life or you and death are going to have a smackdown, here's cancer deal with them first". (cancer is a bitch who needs a kick in the butt) I thought so what did I learn, and how am I now? I can say, that the stress of the lifestyle I had was not worth it, that I should have learned to meditate earlier  and done more yoga! but I should have been truer to myself, and walked away from a load of situations that I had no control over. The first time I heard Eckhart Tolle the power of now I bawled my eyes out, but you have to be in that head space to want to discover, resolve and have inner peace. 

Eckhart Tolle

They say (and please don't ask me who they are) “Nothing in life is to be feared, it is only to be understood. Now is the time to understand more, so that we may fear less.” It is the box in your mind that imprisons you, those false parameters that you set for yourself, and only you can break free from them . There are some vestiges of that mindset sometimes but all in all I feel freer, that huge event in my life made me do a 190 degree turn, and forced the change for the better I feel, and so I ask.. What next?

much love

Dx

Raise your Glass (Pink)

 Well another year has zoomed by. Hard to imagine so much has happened within this year.  First the CT scans to figure out why my carotid artery was so swollen, then in emergency and then hospital for a bit, a new diagnosis as I was "misdiagnosed" , the tumour is inoperable but I did the radiation, had  the best care, tumour has shrunk, pledged allegiance to my wellness mentor on taking the supplements that are helping me on the reg, felt phychic when I knew the 1kg bag of skittles that was handed to me by my daughter to help with some of the bitter meds would NOT be eaten by me (ha ha hah and I was right,  the midnight shuffles into my room by two legged creatures was on point!)  laughed with the many wonderful volunteer drivers from Bloomhill, who took me in every day for 6 weeks to ACS for my treatment, did  the Conga with the radiation Techies and nurses on my last day,  told everyone I got a few tattoos (it was for the radiation... but I'm thinking of a proper one... hmmm)  lobbed off my long hair to the former cleopatra look I used to have as a lot of hair fell out during treatment but was told that "radiation doesn't cause hair loss.. one also has to look at one's age..."Well colour me purple... was coddled by my close friend and healer who helped me stay in the zone and just get through it all, she made me envious as heck when she went away for a month to travel through France, Greece, Egypt and had the nerve to text me whilst she was on a house boat on the river Nile! but it just made me more determined to travel again! another birthday came and went, another Christmas, and during all this  dodged and swerved around the Covid Crises Delta and now sitting in the eye of the Omicron storm.   

The Clowns cheering me up on the last day

Between all of that I bit the bullet and decided to try dating again... whoaa that's a lot of raised eyebrows.. well when you realise that tick tock, now is the time, you go and do what you can.  Unfortunately the dating online thingy just didn't work for me, I'm gonna admit, and you all can groan and make noises as much as you want, I'm an old fashioned romantic.  You gotta connect face to face with the person, energy, chemistry, what ever you want to call it!  Looking at pictures and reading stats is what I did for my modelling agency when we were putting talent up for commercials not dates!!  however I did make a couple of wonderful friends from that! (always look on the bright side of life) 

 I  finally went back to Adelaide to visit my besties as I had to cancel the trip due to my prognosis, had a total blast, did a load of videoing,  ate a lot, drank a lot, gained weight a lot.. ha ha ha.. I got my junk in mah trunk back dat is for shore! Met some fab people, flirted a little, hey I still have a pulse!

Me and Miz P

Then when I returned I went .. wait for it.. camping!  Oh yea... those images of the bush with no loos and mozzies flying everywhere can now be expunged from your grey matter, I was told I did a version of what people now call uh Glamping! heh heh whatevveeerrr. 

Getting the Wetta in the Water...

It's called a SWAG!

The Regatta set up
 

I had tons of fun, was taken sailing on a Wetta,  which was exhilarating , it's been awhile since I've been on a "boat" , then did some kayaking with a friend on the lake whilst the sailing regatta was on and discovered "hey I got the energy and capacity to do this!", which led me to take down my road bike, give her a little sweet lovin and start over on the riding.  I even bought a pair of .. PURPLE ROLLER SKATES!  go me! he he he. ok ok now that was my daughter's fault, no really, it was ALL her fault, she wanted to start roller skating, asked me if I would join her,  COERCED me into buying a pair of skates and bam! howsyerfather!

Told ya they were purple

Lastly but not least, I've been working on something I've loosely called The Art of Giving, , I'm launching it in the next couple of weeks, took my own sweet time to get it together, but it's ready now and I hope you'll be  there to watch the launch and support me.

In my quiet moments between Christmas and Boxing day, I raised a glass to the Universe, the Angels, those spiritual guides and the ancestors who keep any eye on us all who are earthbound and said "Thank you, I'm still here, I'm alive and I am well". 

Yes it's been a tough year, we've all had to really dig deep, cry, rage and do some deeeeppp meditation,    So I say to you all 

What can be said in New Year rhymes, 

That’s not been said a thousand times? 

The new years come, the old years go, 

We know we dream, we dream we know. 

We rise up laughing with the light, 

We lie down weeping with the night. 

We hug the world until it stings, 

We curse it then and sigh for wings. 

We live, we love, we woo, we wed, 

We wreathe our prides, we sheet our dead. 

We laugh, we weep, we hope, we fear, 

And that’s the burden of a year.

From A Poem for Every Winter Day

An Incredibly Awesome New Year to all of you, may you all be happy, loved, safe and healthy.

Dx

Cheers!

A long time coming

Sakinah

It's taken me months to finally sit down and write this blog as hard as it was then as it is now. Lets just rip the bandaid off and go for it. One of my best friends whom I've blogged about under the nickname 'Kina" passed away a few months ago from cancer. I hadn't realised how much it affected me until the black dog of depression was barking in my face. I saw all the FB posts, the texts from friends, messages and calls. I really didn't want to reach out, the only ones were to her beloved husband, her beautiful and strong children and some of her sisters and brothers I have contact with. I don't want this blog to be about heartache and sadness because in many quiet moments of meditation I see her in her tight leather pants, figure hugging top that used to highlight her boobs and show off her perpetual tan and lovely broad shoulders and that really cheeky smile she had with a small nod to me. She's in a good space.

Sakinah, Stace and I (front row) Sarah, not sure and Sophiane back row

I met Kina through another friend in Kuala lumpur, she was a sister of a good friend as well. So whenever she flew in from France we'd all get together and have a great time either having drinks by the pool or dinner out or at her sister's house. She was an incredible designer and seamstress. Trained by the best in France, she's dressed most of the socialites and was very much in demand! 

 When she first made the move to KL we'd go off and have drinks, meet people , talk about her designs, if she didn't speak and was looking into the distance I knew she was concocting a design in her head. She dragged me to so many fabric stores and haberdasheries I've lost count (oh the glazing over of eyes as she picked up another bolt of fabric), she educated me in colour palettes(her fav was plums, greys and silver), she insisted on helping me decorate my home as her's was just so beautiful (hence the caramel shag rug and sand leather overstuffed couch). 

 She helped me through my grief of loosing my husband to cancer,( "c'mon, you're not going to stay young forever, live a little !" ) she was there for me when I had a major operation done ( "did you ask them to do a tummy tuck as well D whilst they were rummaging around in there? "... "shaddap Kina and go away I'm in pain") We spent so many nights at her place eating and sipping wine and talking about everything, and then she fell in love with her now husband! The constant "are you off the damn phone yet Kina, just say goodbye to him! we gotta go!", or can you please stop "texting" him I'm talking to you or hey where did "Kina go?"

Paul an Sakinah

My family always asked if she wasn't with me at some function where's your other half ? My mother and late father who had met her separately, really liked her. My dad would try to converse with her in French and flirt like mad... typical!  When my mum came down from UK,  Sakinah and I had given her a lift to a club to go meet her friends aka cronies aka the ageless with attitude.  When mum got out of the car her  friends grasped her in an embrace and they walked off into the club arm in arm.  I'll never forget Sakinah looking at me and saying "one day D, that's gonna be you and me" I looked at her and laughed, " well I know for sure you'd be wearing hella sexier clothes! " we drove off cackling.

Zuzu, D , Kina and Stash

Her kids were great, so smart, so clever and so together just like their Maman, yes they had a few squeaks here and there of trouble, but Aunty D smiled and kept her mouth shut. She worried about them, their meals when she was caught up working late, or their school, their transportation, their well being and teaching them independence! what an incredible mum. Through all that had been thrown at her she persevered, and turned dust to gold.    

Her reputation grew, and she became very social, her husband (who was then her.. ee gadds dare we say boyfriend? ok partner?) and Kina had moved in together and were now a firm item.  Work was taking me everywhere so our little get togethers became less frequent but we always spoke and manage to catch up, she was now moving  in a different circle of friends, they wanted her attention, her opinion, to be her best friend! It was wonderful for her. 

The Marine Ball

We went to Cambodia together as that was the country of her birth, her sister was getting married, at a beach resort the family owned, she told me stories of how they escaped the Khmer Rouge and what they had to leave behind. The rich tapestry of Cambodia and the mixture of Khmer and French was amazing, her friends from Cambodia respected her so much. The wedding ceremony at the resort was amazing, as a nod to one of their Indian ancestors the ladies all dressed in Saris, and the guests that turned up  were enchanted with Kina. She had that "je ne sais quai".

Sylvia an Kina in their beautiful saris.

As life meandered on and I was yo yo ing between, production, no jobs, radio (waking up to early to be coherent by the time afternoon hit)  we would get together for our own personal supper club, sometimes it was 3 of us with my other bestie Peggers or four if we could rope in another one brave enough to join!. The deal was every one would take a turn hosting the meal, and would talk about the dish they prepared that evening and what it meant to them. ( did I tell you I'm a food anthropology geek?) I loved the friendly competitive spirit we had when hosting!  

 The day finally came when I was leaving Malaysia, Sakinah and her husband invited me to theirs for a pre drink before dinner out, (she had no idea her friends had thrown her a surprise birthday party! he he). When we were saying our goodbyes outside the restaurant, it was poignant as she was leaving for the states with her husband to start a new life there. We took a load of pics and were chuckling away like old times. When I got home she texted me and said, "hey Paul said this is probably the last time we'll see you as we're leaving for the states and you're going to Oz". I said "yea unless you come over" (as her kids were settled in Australia too ,yea we all travelled a lot) . She said "or you come to the States and I'll find you a really good man! " (ahhh yes.. that ol chestnut!)

2017

That was the last time I saw her. She had planned to give me a surprise visit in Oz just after I came out of my cancer treatment, so when she called to say she had suspected cancer, I said "why do you have to copy everything I do?!" I could feel her rolling her eyeballs from the other side of the phone!. We spoke on and off for the next couple of years while she was diagnosed and treated and then the communication eventually went silent.  So my darling wonderful amazing creative friend who would pull me up and give me a talking to , who said "I made D cry.. but I had to do it!" who took care of her 12 siblings single handedly, who did right by her family and friends, who believed in a parallel universe, who loved her kids and man fiercely. I bid you adieu for now. 

We think about you always 

We talk about you still 

You have never been forgotten 

And you never will 

We hold you close within our hearts 

And there you will remain

 To walk and guide us through our lives 

Until we meet again 

 with love Dx

Look at me ma, I'm meditating!

Maroochydore Bushland Park

I was invited recently to a Meditation Retreat.  It was a whole day event.  I was really looking forward to it, as I had never been to one before and had no idea what to expect. The only hope was that "please please don't say we can't talk for the entire day!"  That would really be a challenge for me! 

It turned out to be an awesome day, it was a small group but I must say Chad Foreman  from  The Way of Meditation , who ran this meditation retreat was so good.  He clearly explained what and why and how and answered all the questions gently and believe me there were a lot of questions!  There were varying levels from beginners to seasoned meditation practitioners . Some had their own paraphernalia and others like me just rocked in with a water bottle and a coffee in hand! (I am always prepared!)  But when you get down to the basics, all you need is to "be there." (know what I mean)

Meditation Hall looking out to the rainforest

I have really come a long way in terms of meditation. I practice almost everyday.  I also try to attend a monthly group my SIL runs. I chat about different types of meditation with various friends who also have their favourites (I feel it also deepens our connection).  It's been an enlightening journey.

A few years back there would have been little possibility of me participating in such an event.   I would have fidgeted, fretted, wondered about my phone calls and messages, my thoughts would have been all over the place and I probably would have been internally grumbling about a numb bum!  I would have been self conscious, I would have wondered what others thought of me,  I would be judgmental in my perception of the others there.  I had left the house changing my blouse at the last minute as it was so hot and realised there was a small hole in it, the now Dx just looked at it and went "oh well", the Dx before would have panicked, run back, rummaged around for another blouse, probably making herself late, then feeling rushed and ... well you can see how that goes.

But perspectives change, after having cancer, after re shifting my priorities in life, it set me on a path to truly find myself, who I am now, what I'm really about. In the beginning it was a bit of self blame as to why I had cancer, what caused it, what was I doing in my life that brought me to such a devastating full stop.   I surprisingly found that I wanted to be more spiritual, that meditation had become easier for me, that being in tune with my inner self was no hardship.  I'm calmer, my anxiety has gone from a  10 to a subdued 2.  I'm hoping to bring that further down as well. 

I was asked to do a series of photos with my family fo the Hand, Heart , Pocket foundation who contributed a huge ammount of money to Bloomhill. 

I do not poo pooh (that is an actual word, it is!) practitioners of different spiritual healing.  I've actually embraced them, and experienced them for myself.  I understand the high stress I was living in was a huge factor in getting the dis-ease. I absolutely thank my psychologist for helping me with that.    Though my diet was not particularly bad (no no mcd's once a week was OK.. right.. LOL) I am more aware of what I'm putting into my body.  During cancer my body just reacted so badly to meat so now days I have a more pescatarian diet, however as my daughter is a Vegan, I've had to really push my creative cooking boundaries to incorporate meals that we can all eat and are nutritious and delicious. 

Vegetarian Food Spread

The one thing no one tells you about or discusses with you after having Cancer is "then what?" How do you get on with your life.  How do you alleviate your fears of every single lump, bump, ache that it's not the dreaded cancer reemerging?  How do you normalise your everyday living, what is normal now?  A lot of of survivors take a while to be able to physically get back to some level of fitness, the average length I think is two years.   To make friends again or to help your friends understand who you are now without too much damage to your relationships.    The answer is one day at a time,  to treat yourself with love and kindness, to understand your limitations.  For example I broke down in tears that I couldn't finish the final heat on the dragon boat races, my lungs and heart just couldn't cope and I could feel it.  In the beginning I was really upset with myself and my body which I felt had let me down but then I realised, hey a year ago I was lying in a hospital bed, bald, with tubes going in and out of my arms and back, hardly able to walk up  the stairs and now I'm upset because I couldn't complete the 3rd race of a 500 m sprint in a dragon boat?  My body is what brought me through all this, it has nourished me, it has kept me alive, it has held me up.  I am so grateful for what it has endured and how it continues to function.

more than a year after Cancer

I've also learned to love me.  And so I gave myself a gift.  I bought myself a road bike.  I don't push too hard, I slowly increase my time and distance and when I feel I can't and don't want to ride, I honour it and do a session of yoga instead.  That is life, it has a series of choices, all of them to make you live it to your full capacity.  (Just don't 'ask Annie how many times I've asked her to lend me her bike pump!!)

 I try to live every day in the present,  sometimes I forget, I start stressing about the usual thing, bills, medical,.. things! then I have to gather myself, do a small meditation of "Gladitude",   https://youtu.be/8dcxLHXyuAU  or call my daughter or chat with my son.  I pick myself up and start again.  You can too.

Better later than never!

Well well well, talk about a gap, well more like a hiatus , well actually more like a big fat blank!
Happy belated New Year Everyone, what a spectacular  new year it  has been.  I can say  officially that that it's been one year of "remission"!.   I am so grateful and filled with so much joy that I'm still here kicking it loud and proud.

Right updates, my hair's grown back!

Ok for some it's no big deal but for someone who was bald for a year IT"S bloody brilliant (can I say that ? oh yeah it's my blog so Yes!) . Thank you to my lovely friend who sorted out the curls and reshaped the shaggy mess!

Secondly, I've started paddling again with my lovely Dragon Boat Team, I attended two regattas, but unfortunately on the second one I couldn't complete my final paddle as my heart was aching from the exertion , my fellow cancer care buddies said "are you mad? it's already amazing you went back to paddle but to compete?? ", well I'm a tad competitive can't you tell...I just wanted to see how far I could push myself and the answer is push too hard and the body goes "here's some pain, deal with that and next time take it easy dudette"

I started my long walks again, but had to give it up after getting dizzy from the heat so am waiting for the weather to cool down , and yes I'm much much closer to getting my road bike so I can cycle and get my heart, lungs and quads in gear (not to mention the possibility of perhaps getting my bum back... it's still missing, hey I like some junk in my trunk ok!

We're still meeting once a week at Bloomhill Cancer Care for meditation class and a good ol catch up beforehand as the art therapy classes are still not in place. A few members have drifted off to sort out other responsibilities and extended holidays so the ebb and flow of the centre continues. Speaking of art therapy, I did a 6 week workshop with the lovely Helen Bradshaw, and it was tremendous,  I loved every moment of it and discovering so many things about myself and making some great friends along the way, what a wonderful gift.  I now get to attend the open hearted women's network once a month, the energy is awesome!

                                         Open Hearted Women's Network


 As we've become closer friendship wise at the cancer centre,   I get a load of ribbing from my friends of the opposite sex, namely the guys regarding my err social life.. ha ha ha ha.  In an attempt to get me out and about my kids pushed me to get on a dating site to "dip me toes in the pond" so to speak.  Uh... where do I start?  Lets just put it this way, when the guys asked me how one of my coffee dates went, I replied "well you gotta kiss a load of frogs before you meet your prince" . (meaning ... well you know what I mean... ) and the buggers said you mean "TOAD's Dx".. toads !  And the jokes started, with 'what happens if you see a cane toad.....'  and it just degenerated from there... the teasing I have to put up with, makes me grin.   Anyway, I've done away with all that as I just couldn't deal with the cut and dry of the uh dating sites.    As I said to my kids "well that box is ticked, done and dusted,  I did it!" Onwards and upwards

Next to find either latin or ball room classes and try the Drumming Circle , yes it's time to keep ticking off everything on the bucket list, no time like the present!  In the mean time, keep on keeping on . Hugs Dx

Begin again

It's been a mixed bag this week, I came back from Brizzie after being invited to go see a show there , had a tremendous time with the "godmother".  She booked me in for an awesome massage, ahhhh it was sooo good, I could go on for ages but then you'd have massage envy and give up reading !

We also went for a yoga class that she does weekly and I was pleasantly surprised as it was Iyengar Yoga and a discipline I was used to, even more surprising was the muscle memory of my body.  Ok don't get me wrong, I still do yoga at home, and follow some of the Yogis online and do between 20 to 30 mins every other day, so I can still groan, bend over and touch my toes  anddddd breathe at the same time! taa daa!  But Iyengar is a stricter discipline and I love all the muscle trembling moments of it, (No not masochistic) it makes me feel alive

the Catherine Tate Show at the QPAC

Which brings me to this, oh oh I can see you all holding your breaths, chill out , I"m fine, I'm still in remission and plan to be for a LOOOooooooonnngggggg time.

I had gone in recently for my regular oncology check up with a quick nip up to the vampire uh I mean hematology nurse for my blood test, this one was quite funny, she said my vein kept running away from the needle, so after a few attempts we moved to the other arm, where the vein there decided to play possum and give it up. 

Ok well minus the black plastic nurse outfit...

Aneeee how, after my chit chat with my long suffering Oncologist ,whom lets face it I've bullied, been sarky to, teased, made jokes about but is still smiling when he sees me, says "right everything is good, levels are normal for you (notice for ME) and I've got something here for you to read and go over.  It's a preventative chemo treatment called POMM" (ha ha ha ha.. stop it) " it's very low doses of chemo in a pill".

 Now in my mind I'm thinking , me and my big mouth, why did I ask him what symptoms to look out for should I be concerned about the cancer coming back,( note to self, kick your bum when you get home) thus he's pulling out the stops and we're talking chemo again.. (cue screeching to a halt sound)

So I ask my usual questions, what does it do, what are the side effects, how long will it be for... two years.. wait what?  TWO YEARS.???.. are you kidding me?  er no and there is that dreaded vincristine drip involved on a monthly basis.  I look at my doc and think, this is not the type of Christmas prezzie I was expecting dude.

This was all before I went to Brizzie so put it out of my mind until I returned and read through the bumpf... wronggg.. should have stayed ignorant of it all.. however the one thing that stood out was wha they called the median of survival for lymphoma which was 5 years.  So when he called me I said, "so are you saying I've got a possible 5 years only to live?! " He say "no not at all, it's just a general median, not based on individuals but on a group"

Now see, those sort of things do play on your mind, and with that I went in to the cancer centre as usual for my weekly get together and to speak to my Nurse there about the proposed treatment.

My Youngest Son and Daughter, at his formal.

There are a few things ....ok ok lets get a wee bit serious ok, pull up a chair and lean forward) . there are a few things I want to be clear about, I have spoken to my kids, they support me in what ever decision I make, and they know I've always said, I want quality of life as opposed to quantity of life. If for example the 5 year mark is the yard stick then I'm doing exactly what I've planned to do, that is to live life now, in this moment, with joy and gratitude in my heart, to know that I will put everything in place first as a consideration to my children (i.e. will, funeral arrangements, my own little collage of pics and music ala love actually heh heh a nutter even beyond the grave) because and I say this with all honesty, death is something we all face, weather it's now, later on in life, tomorrow, one thing is for certain, it's not something we can decide or plan.  It happens.  How it happens as well is truly out of our hands.  If you understand that there is nothing to fear from death, that it's just another journey.  The emotions you feel are due to you leaving loved ones behind, but if you are open and honest and prepare them, then death should be something celebrated, because it was a good life, it was a meaningful life, filled with the entire mixed bag of emotions, experiences and to have had the privilege of living it  and understanding why we are here.

Being a cancer survivor does not define me. in essence I am who I am with another new facet.

 So don't put off tomorrow what you can do now, today, go on that holiday you've planned for for ever, chat up that guy or girl you've always wanted to, dance naked under stars at night (but for god's sake don't let you kids catch you or they'll be scarred for life!) read all the books you want, compete in all the races or competitions you've said you wanted to do, latin dance classes, skydiving, just do it and have no regrets.  Breathe!

 I'll say this I am luckier than most, for that I am eternally grateful.  Stop blubbing, grab a tissue, I'm still here la!
with love and gratitude
Dx

How ya like me now !

                                       YOU TUBE LINK FOR VLOG

"Mum, you really don't need to get a DSLR camera for your vlogs you know " says my son the all knowing 17 going on 35 year old.
"Your smart phone is more than adequate for the job".  He continues.
"Yes well I need to find out if I can get a tripod and a microphone to attach to it as I'm worried it's going to sound tinny and the video will be shaky"   I reply
"Mum, this is a vlog, not a professional production for Pete's sake! there is no need to make it look so polished.  The guys I watch on you tube just aim and shoot with a bit of editing ".. says smarty pants.  "You can just use your editing app on your laptop and later on figure out if the sounds needs to be tweaked"
When did he get so damn smart hmmnnn.??

The producer in me groaning

I had been thinking for a while now of what I'd like to do, I knew I couldn't  and can't go back to work, and that any sort of travelling is out, and what ever I do has to be a minimal stress level type of set up.  I strongly felt that I needed to give back and to help those who were also in the dark like me, in the beginning,  on the side effects of Chemoteraphy.  What to expect in hospital, how to prepare yourself, etc.    A lot of the info is gleaned from other Cancer patients and survivors, nurses and dietitians etc.    Sharing is caring they say and I'd like to do my bit as well.(to a certain point okkaayyy)

So yea, I shot my first vlog intro on my smart phone's camera,  I corralled my daughter to shoot the video for me.  She used the back of a chair she straddled to keep the cam phone stable.  We did it in less than an hour with me stumbling through all the things I wanted to say and having "chemo brain" or "brain farts" as some people put it !  I've bought an art block since with some masking tape and an  artline pen to write the points down that I'll tape to a wall when I'm shooting so when my mind goes "BLANKKKKK" I can do a quick refocus!  Like using an el cheapo teleprompter!! ha ha ha.  which brings to mind the scene from Love Actually.. remember it?

Now to find a cute guy to hold the cards for me too!! he he he

I 've decided that I wont shoot the vlogs in any particular order, just what ever comes to mind that week.  So everyone can flick through and view the videos they feel are most pertinent to them.  Well it would be nice if all the vlogs were viewed but I totally understand!  Plus I was doing some research on you tube to see if I could leave links on my vlogs for people to use as examples but Uhhh .. so many videos too little time.  So yeah lets keep it short and sweet.

Hmmnn with or without glasses to video?

Since I can't drive yet, it's easier to order everything online.  My brother tells me to not believe in  Dr Google!  I'm like "waaahhhtttt"??!!! "neeveeerrrr" !!! (he thinks I try to diagnose myself and my ailments online!! bah humbug)    However I do google a lot of ways to use essential oils, where to buy herbal teas, pure flax seed oil etc. So I'll be sharing those sites as well on my vlogs as well as the other products I use daily and regularly to keep me going.

OOOPPSSS! errr it was to show healthy eating!

Anyway, I do hope you enjoy the vlogs, and get something out of it.  Don't hesitate to drop me a line if you have some questions or suggestions on topics, am all ears. (literally ha ha ha) . take care and see ya on the flip side.
Dx

Out of the Rabbit Hole and into the LIGHT! YIPPIEEEEE!

"You're so bloody stubborn!" says my bff Peggs over the Phone,
"Yes , I am, look at the dictionary under Dx and it says stubborn cow" . I say
"You know it's for the best right, just get it over and done with" . Says she who's never gone through chemo but loves me anyway
"No friggin way, after the last round (my 7th cycle) there is no way I'm going to go through that again, it's my body, and it's my decision, the end" . I grit out mulishly
"Come on Dx " she says
"I don't want to talk about it, So when are you coming over to visit " I say changing the topic very very quickly
"sigh... let me check my diary, hopefully April" she says

We chit chat a bit more and I know she's not really going to let it go but as I said, I just didn't want to talk about going to do another cycle , or going through the horrible experience like the last time, the nausea, the vomiting the stomach spasms,  aches,  the weight loss and weakness.  I was done.  Did you hear me DOC, I'm done!!!

Yes I did tell the Head Nurse and Doc about my decision, Doc said "Dx, we're going to give you an extra week, you're anemic and obviously need to rest but reconsider please, the dose won't be as strong because of the weight loss and this is the final cycle, lets kick it in the arse" ( I know who I want to kick in the a@#$.. humpf)

A couple of weeks later I'm in Hospital, having my final cycle of Chemo, I told everyone I'd be partying in between the chemo drips, bring on the disco balls and the non alcoholic dwinkies, we'll boogie down till we get told off or fall in a faint on the beds.

PAHHHHTTTAAYYYY

Yeah that was all in my head, I was making like the bestest of the best patient so they'd let me out pronto.  Which they did.

After that it was regular blood transfusions and blood tests to ensure I was ticking along, my final P.E.T scan was in the second week of May, and wouldn't you know it, during my transfusion, my temperature sky rocketed .  Doc walked past me and said, "we're admitting you Dx, gotta find out what that infection is"... LURVERLY, I just love being in hospital.. NOT.   Anyway, fast forward a week later, I'm sent home and am recuperating with bi weekly visits to the Doc until the P.E.T Scan happens.

Talk about a cliff hanger, I had the P.E.T scan (more of the "take a deep breath and hold please,  now breathe normally..)  but had to wait for another week before my oncologist talked to me about the results. anxiety much?   Results day came pretty fast and...... I'm in REMISSION!!!! oh yes I beat the beast folks.  (I would try to do a jig but the body ain't up to it YET)

WAZZUP DOC

What a long road it has been, but the Doc says, "Now's the rebuilding and recuperation period.  You have to watch out as you're aware your immune system is still weak, you have to start an exercise regime to rebuild the muscles that have all gone, (ya do you know where my bum has gone? I seem to have lost it)   you have to start eating properly to gain weight and you have to stop stressing."
   "Can I travel?" I ask hopefully.  He shakes his head, "because the tumour on your lung is taking it's time disintegrating, you'll have to wait till it's gone completely, it's just a dead lump (charming) right now. (He gives me the "look")  We'll talk about radiology in a couple of months time.  Booooo. Oh well as long as I'm healthy and there's no more chemo , everything is blue skies and sunshine.

So because I can't be in large public spaces I spend a lot of my time at Bloomhill Cancer Care.  I have my Art Therapy Classes on Wednesday

as well as  Group Meditation :

Meditation Room  this is a link to the video (for some reason I can't upload it here)<--- br="" link="" nbsp="" to="" video="">

Today however I did a workshop that is provided by the LOOK GOOD FEEL BETTER program, I had been given their leaflet when I was going through Chemo at the ADEM CROSBY CENTRE but just wasn't up to it.  Last week the girls at Art Therapy class egged me on so I called up and attended their workshop. Hey, I'm bald, no eyebrows and no eyelashes what have I got to lose?  (Please do not ask about hair in other places like some of my friends do... :-p )

It was a two hour workshop to show us how to take care of our skin, do our make up and to try out some wigs, scarves and caps by they two lovely ladies from The Look Good Feel Better Team

Mary is on the Right and she's the one you'll be dealing with when you book in QLD

All this Skin Care and Make Up once we've tried it on is for us to take home,!

And since we loose our hair, the wigs, scarves and caps are a welcome part of the workshop

After the two hours, I'd learned a lot , not only about Looking Good and Feeling Better but also the women around me who were going through or had just finished Chemo just like me.  Knowledge is power, the more you enquire and talk the more you find out.

So with that I've decided to start vlogging about simple recipes for our shattered taste buds, and tips from my cancer experience.   I'd love to give back to society as they've loved and supported me during my protocol.   I've just got to set up a crowfunding site to purchase the equipment etc.   If you have any suggestions, I'm all ears... hairless ones that is . Ha Ha Ha Ha
Dx

Is that the light at the end of the Rabbit Hole?

I was thinking of writing my blog a few months ago when we uploaded all the videos of the blond hair being lopped off, but then I've been a bit pre occupied with the chemo treatments and was in emergency with a high fever (it's what happens when you have a compromised immune system) so was in the hospital for 3 days with blood transfusions and antibiotics , they finally let me out. I must have looked like a missile outta control getting out of there!  Well I was counting my free days, 4 more and I had to go back in for another round of treatment.

Hello it's me!  still alive n kickin at Noosa! 

Reading through some of my texts and letters to friends and family it looks like I've totally lost my sense of humour ( I know I have as I've started posting on Face book political pages... which I never do as a rule!) and it seems that the treatment was my total focus (kinda of hard not to be! but hey there's more to life),  so I took my self to the  cancer centre called  BLOOMHILL
www.bloomhill.com.au   Best thing I ever did.  My designated nurse was fantastic, my brother had arrived on the same day so he came along to and was mightily impressed.   It's situated in the middle of this fab rain forest, the cafe which is on their deck is wonderful, peaceful and you could just sit there sipping your latte and nibbling on your lemon slice for ever.

Whilst we were taking in all this goodness, there was an unexpected cancellation and since I was there I managed to get a reflexology session.  It was bliss, and she dropped some important knowledge on me.   The thing I noticed is as cancer patients, we ask all sorts of people for advice but the best are the nurses and caregivers.  So now I've got something I can do with the numbness on my fingertips which is caused by one of the chemo combos.  You leave the centre feeling calm and peaceful.  Next time I went was for a psychiatrist consult.  Not scary at all, peaceful, lovely cuppa , brilliant view an such a patient calm doc. 

I have yet to go back and use their yoga or massage classes but I will as soon as we've got a rein on the appointments at the hospital  and my weekly chemo sessions.  Oh you want to know how it went with the Psychiatrist?  Well of course I'm mental but then it's a good mental and I'm in the normal zone so far!!!! I'm now closing on the last two cycles of my treatment.  Because of it's toxicity levels building up in me, my hemoglobin and platelet counts get wiped out so I have to go back n forth to the hospital for loads of transfusions.  A big huge thank you to those of you who donate blood and Platelets ( that's you Annie), we couldn't survive without you.

I'm sure my oncologist wished I'd be as thankful to him,  the other day at our appointment before he could do anything i said "look at my eyebrows!", he looked at them and said " err they're nice",  I said are they straight and do they look too dark?"   he said " no..., is there a reason to this? " .  "Yes !" I said, "as part of  an ongoing care for patients, doctors should provide eyebrow and eyelash accessories as part of hairloss due to chemo!", which floored him.  Well it kept him grinning for a few minutes. I have no idea how to do eyebrows, mine were low maintenance when I had them,  so I have to  keep asking my daughter to help out!  Annie finally got me eyebrow stencils, thank god for that, makes life so much easier. Don't even ask me about eyelashes, I'm still staring at the false eyelashes wondering how I'm going to glue it on... knowing my luck it'll adhere to upside down!! eeekkk

https://www.rosettelavedette.com/en/hair-growth-after-chemo/     Hair Growth After Chemo

My Doc keeps reassuring me I'm doing really well, and I'm dealing with it well too.  Huh if only he saw the sobbing, and sulking and moaning I do . (well none of you get to see it cept my kids and brothers... well that's what brothers are for!). Kids more because I love when they hug and hold me and tell me it's OK.  It's been a real ride down this rabbit hole and I've got 5 more weeks to go.

So here's the thing, I think I'm hooked on food porn, my appetite is totally shot to smithereens but with one of my close buddies posting Malaysian Specialties and my family and friends posting all the dishes they're eating, I'm addicted!  Which led me to search you tube for cancer friendly meals... lemme tell you, there is a LOT out there!!!  Let your common sense guide your tummy's path is all I can say.  I've turned into a pesco pollo vegetarian, even the smell of steaks on the grill turn my tummy.  And correct you want a slight tang with your food, so dishes like NOT SO HOT Tom Yum, Pho, fried glass noodles etc are so much more appetising.

Satay

Curry Mee

Asam Laksa

(https://youtu.be/YdD5mXZIjJs)

 (I sent out a distress call to all my close friends for sour plums!).   I've actually been toying with the idea of doing a small vlog on cooking for your self as a cancer patient.... well I might have a go at it once I get the wind in my sails again.

Dried preserved plums!

Anyway just wanted to touch base with you all, thank you for posting all your positive notes on my blog and fb wall as well as my Insta account .  To those who gave and gave for the GoFundMe Account that Annie hosted, thank you from the bottom of my heart ( a little bird told me I had so many of you caring for me) Reach out to me please anytime if you have questions or if you have answers.
Dx