Wake me up before you go pro

"You know how girl's can say - oh I really like her she's great, but if I were to say the same thing  I'd cop it big time mate !!" , "yeah mate, that f@rked yeah, and then". .. Argggghhhh do I have to wake up to this verbal vomit being spouted by the tradies who are working on the finishing touches to the houses next door?   I feel for my headphones on top of my "doona". (when in Australia....) and hit play.. ahhhhh thank the goddess for music. I scoot out of bed and look out my window at the two young tradies below who have no idea that the entire street can hear this heartfelt 'woe is me' bleat... Uh grow up please! I grumble to myself.  Such is life now that we've moved house, we had no idea that the development next door would take this long. Sometimes I wake up to the sounds of drilling (the drill guys the drill... tsk) or banging (again with a hammer...sheesh) and or someone has brought along a MEGA speaker, seriously the size of luggage, ok ok not the 25 kilo bags more like the 7kg carry on ones, but still.. and has ramped up the volume to the max with everything from mumble rap to Ozzie country songs. I shall not complain.. much.. because sometimes when I hear them all laughing together it makes me smile, how wonderful to have a great day filled with such good energy.

Tradie Matey

Every time I think of setting up to video my vlog, I wonder what conversations from the tradies will be picked up on my mic ! Can you imagine? ha ha ha, mind you it would add some spice and humour to the vlog!! Something I feel has been somewhat lacking in my life for a bit, last year was pretty dark, two of my closest friends passed away suddenly within months of each other, that hated phone call when all you hear is sobbing and sharp intakes of breath as the news is broken to you. I'm no stranger to death, we have a complicated relationship, it started when death took my husband away 20 years ago. Wait! What??! 20 YEARS??? I had to count back and do some swift calculations there!! WTH? has it been that long? WOW that was unexpected , and Oi none of those black widow jokes!

 

 However it brings to mind how much life has changed, I said to my buddy Johan, why do they not tell you these things about ageing for kerist's sake! The stiff muscles, creaky joints, the GREY of hair and not only on your head, OMG ...really?... yeah (hear that lad's next door, that's what you're going to be talking about soon enough, hah!) When I called up my mentor and ex boss to get some advice on podcasting, I had asked what he was up to these days, he said " D, I turned 70, I'm supposed to be retired but I can't sit around and do nothing! so I still do some consultancy and compose music apart from going for dialysis twice a week" .. umm .. So many of us have made huge changes in our life, either due to illness, (like me), a change of countries (again I raise my hand ) early retirement, ageing, or just to step away for a total change to help with work life balance. What made you make that change? How did you handle it, what goes through your minds, and how has it turned out? 

I'ma leaving on a jet plane

For me , as I was taking another one of my long walks and nodding to the people walking their dogs or fit mums jogging behind the prams and mumbling curses at the cyclists who zip by ringing their bells , UGH! I'm turning into THAT BAG LADY! I swear I can see myself standing at the corner of the street, muttering at everyone going past and casting them evil looks and showing them many different varieties of finger signs!! Anyway I digress I was thinking, so 6 years ago, the universe tapped me on the shoulder and said "Oi, you need to make some massive changes in your life or you and death are going to have a smackdown, here's cancer deal with them first". (cancer is a bitch who needs a kick in the butt) I thought so what did I learn, and how am I now? I can say, that the stress of the lifestyle I had was not worth it, that I should have learned to meditate earlier  and done more yoga! but I should have been truer to myself, and walked away from a load of situations that I had no control over. The first time I heard Eckhart Tolle the power of now I bawled my eyes out, but you have to be in that head space to want to discover, resolve and have inner peace. 

Eckhart Tolle

They say (and please don't ask me who they are) “Nothing in life is to be feared, it is only to be understood. Now is the time to understand more, so that we may fear less.” It is the box in your mind that imprisons you, those false parameters that you set for yourself, and only you can break free from them . There are some vestiges of that mindset sometimes but all in all I feel freer, that huge event in my life made me do a 190 degree turn, and forced the change for the better I feel, and so I ask.. What next?

much love

Dx

Begin again

It's been a mixed bag this week, I came back from Brizzie after being invited to go see a show there , had a tremendous time with the "godmother".  She booked me in for an awesome massage, ahhhh it was sooo good, I could go on for ages but then you'd have massage envy and give up reading !

We also went for a yoga class that she does weekly and I was pleasantly surprised as it was Iyengar Yoga and a discipline I was used to, even more surprising was the muscle memory of my body.  Ok don't get me wrong, I still do yoga at home, and follow some of the Yogis online and do between 20 to 30 mins every other day, so I can still groan, bend over and touch my toes  anddddd breathe at the same time! taa daa!  But Iyengar is a stricter discipline and I love all the muscle trembling moments of it, (No not masochistic) it makes me feel alive

the Catherine Tate Show at the QPAC

Which brings me to this, oh oh I can see you all holding your breaths, chill out , I"m fine, I'm still in remission and plan to be for a LOOOooooooonnngggggg time.

I had gone in recently for my regular oncology check up with a quick nip up to the vampire uh I mean hematology nurse for my blood test, this one was quite funny, she said my vein kept running away from the needle, so after a few attempts we moved to the other arm, where the vein there decided to play possum and give it up. 

Ok well minus the black plastic nurse outfit...

Aneeee how, after my chit chat with my long suffering Oncologist ,whom lets face it I've bullied, been sarky to, teased, made jokes about but is still smiling when he sees me, says "right everything is good, levels are normal for you (notice for ME) and I've got something here for you to read and go over.  It's a preventative chemo treatment called POMM" (ha ha ha ha.. stop it) " it's very low doses of chemo in a pill".

 Now in my mind I'm thinking , me and my big mouth, why did I ask him what symptoms to look out for should I be concerned about the cancer coming back,( note to self, kick your bum when you get home) thus he's pulling out the stops and we're talking chemo again.. (cue screeching to a halt sound)

So I ask my usual questions, what does it do, what are the side effects, how long will it be for... two years.. wait what?  TWO YEARS.???.. are you kidding me?  er no and there is that dreaded vincristine drip involved on a monthly basis.  I look at my doc and think, this is not the type of Christmas prezzie I was expecting dude.

This was all before I went to Brizzie so put it out of my mind until I returned and read through the bumpf... wronggg.. should have stayed ignorant of it all.. however the one thing that stood out was wha they called the median of survival for lymphoma which was 5 years.  So when he called me I said, "so are you saying I've got a possible 5 years only to live?! " He say "no not at all, it's just a general median, not based on individuals but on a group"

Now see, those sort of things do play on your mind, and with that I went in to the cancer centre as usual for my weekly get together and to speak to my Nurse there about the proposed treatment.

My Youngest Son and Daughter, at his formal.

There are a few things ....ok ok lets get a wee bit serious ok, pull up a chair and lean forward) . there are a few things I want to be clear about, I have spoken to my kids, they support me in what ever decision I make, and they know I've always said, I want quality of life as opposed to quantity of life. If for example the 5 year mark is the yard stick then I'm doing exactly what I've planned to do, that is to live life now, in this moment, with joy and gratitude in my heart, to know that I will put everything in place first as a consideration to my children (i.e. will, funeral arrangements, my own little collage of pics and music ala love actually heh heh a nutter even beyond the grave) because and I say this with all honesty, death is something we all face, weather it's now, later on in life, tomorrow, one thing is for certain, it's not something we can decide or plan.  It happens.  How it happens as well is truly out of our hands.  If you understand that there is nothing to fear from death, that it's just another journey.  The emotions you feel are due to you leaving loved ones behind, but if you are open and honest and prepare them, then death should be something celebrated, because it was a good life, it was a meaningful life, filled with the entire mixed bag of emotions, experiences and to have had the privilege of living it  and understanding why we are here.

Being a cancer survivor does not define me. in essence I am who I am with another new facet.

 So don't put off tomorrow what you can do now, today, go on that holiday you've planned for for ever, chat up that guy or girl you've always wanted to, dance naked under stars at night (but for god's sake don't let you kids catch you or they'll be scarred for life!) read all the books you want, compete in all the races or competitions you've said you wanted to do, latin dance classes, skydiving, just do it and have no regrets.  Breathe!

 I'll say this I am luckier than most, for that I am eternally grateful.  Stop blubbing, grab a tissue, I'm still here la!
with love and gratitude
Dx