Monday, May 26, 2008

what is up?

I was just about to put the first spoonful of mouthwatering curry laksa in my mouth when my phone sms alert went off... Bad enough I was sitting in my work-out gear, having not showered , as my wonderful best friend said to just come over after my workout for a coffee at her House, and here I was, at a Coffee Shop, sweaty, under dressed, and staring at the sms on my phone, while she looks like she's just walked out of a magazine.. I hate her, please remind me to always take a change of clothes when visiting her after the gym.

I said to Kina,' don't take your glasses of yet mate, read this.' She takes the phone gingerly from me, like it was a ticking bomb, and reads it.  'Man, this guy just doesn't give up D,' she says.  'I know!' and I read the message again.  It's Mr. Retro, sigh, after asking me out for drinks last week and me managing to get out of it, he's now asked me to go to his resort in one of the Islands,  he said he'd make sure I'd have my own room, no strings attached , just let him spoil me ... Do I look as if I was born yesterday, No Strings Attached??? Helloooo...

I said to Kina 'It's time I sorted this out' She says 'yeah, just tell him you want a huge diamond ring, and to see the balance of his bank account, lets see how fast he disappears then!'  'Ha Ha, very funny, knowing my luck he'd comply!' I say. So I texted him and asked him if he was still in town, he texts back to say he'll be in town till Wednesday, when he leaves for the Island.  I then, and believe me I think this is a stroke of genius in the reverse physiology department, text him to say that we should meet up tomorrow, as I think we need to have a talk.  I hit send and wait to see if I get a response or if he's decided to finally cease and desist.  It's like saying over a megaphone "please stand away from your phone"!

I look at Kina who's giggling at me.  'What?' I ask.  'Didn't you just say, in my house, less than 30 minutes ago, that you've decided to live the life of a nun, and there would be no men till next year???!! She's grinning as she says this.  Now I'm getting irritated, when I don't face up to my demons and ignore them I'm told I'm sweeping my problems under the mat, when I do decide to face this particular demon, I'm now in the running as the next Mrs Retro. Arrrggghhhh!!!

Before I get to retort, the phone goes off, 'hey mate, your cricket's making noise' says Kina.  It's my sms alert, I think it's cute, unlike some people.  So I open up the message and it's a long one, I'm groaning inside, what now? Well, he's waffling on a bit, and finally says that he can meet for lunch but not dinner as he has a business dinner to attend , so would that be ok.  I call one of the producers who wants me to go outstation tomorrow, to check if it's still on before I confirm. Nope no trip, so I'm free to enter the lion's den.  I send "ok' back to him.  And typically do not receive a response to the effect of where and what time.  

As we're paying the bill for lunch the phone goes, I look at the message, and smile to myself, Kina is almost out of her chair as she cranes to see the message. 'Chill Chicka' I tell her, it's only Naz.  Who funnily enough has texted me to find out if any of my 'admirers' have contacted me.  I call her back and relay what just happened and her reply just says it all.  'Far-ked'  !  

Four hours later still no sms from him, I'm smiling to myself, should have done this ages ago I think, then I wouldn't have had to go through all the dodging and weaving!  Men..... Dx

Friday, May 23, 2008

Last Legs

I'm so tired it's not funny, all the nights out for the last three weeks, being as thick as thieves with Marie before she leaves for France , is taking it's toll on me. She's so good at giving me the big blinking eyes, 'but I'm leaving on saturday...', ok ok, I'll come out I tell her, all my good resolutions out the window. Luckily I had a small respite for a couple of days this week, it was also partly enforced by me as I had a photo shoot for a mag and I didn't want to look like road kill on the day. I was having a quiet chuckle to myself at the tag line of the article that I was to appear in, it's *where are they now*.. a bit like the one hit wonders from the Brit pop 80's innit?

However the small respite didn't last long, a quiet night in was not to be as another crisis call from Gina had to be answered and I found myself at our club on Friday night. I walked in past the rigid backs of a whole load of men who were standing there, mute as statues, mouths slightly open, drinks in hand, you could literally see the formation of some drool... and this was not because of me, (yeah yeah, great build up eh) but the all female band that was performing that night. Five nubile chicks on stage, with more energy than your average aerobic instructor, and pants slung so low, the probability of a Brazilian was a sure bet! They were belting out a mixture of retro, r&b tunes and the more recent pop hits.

I slowly made my way to the bar, moving bodies aside like mannequins, knowing full well that the testosterone levels were way to high for any cohesive response if I had asked them to move aside... I looked around and see Gina's beautiful face smiling at me, "over here!' she shouts over the noise. A group of guys are surrounding her and they turn around, 'hey D! ', it's the golfing buddies and our lawyer James. Drinks are shoved into my hands, glasses are clinked, the bartenders are mouthing their greetings to me, ahhh it's all good.

Gina leans close,  I look at her, and ask ' what happened? you ok?' She puts on a brave face ' yeah I'm ok, I've just got a lot going on now and I really don't need all the hassle' she says. I give her a squeeze, I'm not going to diss her man, she just needs positive affirmation that she's going to be ok. Which she will be. One thing I know about my best friends, is that they are all larger than life, they have all been through the fire, and they are all here standing just like me, with their heads up and facing their destinies without fear.

Someone grabs my bum and I turn around, it's Bella, a regular at the club and she's in full form, she 's got her catwoman thigh high boots on, her black shorts and a top cut down to there. 'Hey, long time no see baby! Where ya been?!' she says to me. 'Whoo hoo girlfriend, you got it goin on tonight! I say to her as she leans over to air kiss me. Her husband spots me and comes over, he gives me a big bear hug. Gina's back on the dance floor, dancing . It gives me some time to look around and see all that is going on, and I think to myself, wow, I so have not missed this! Same old crowd , some people who's mother could only love them and eeewww some who definitely need to learn about the art of wearing deodorant! Feeling Jaded? you bet. A thought about getting on flashes through my head, before I bat it out the park with amusement... I'm as young as I feel, or as my ex said to me, 'you're as young as the man you feel up!' operative word.. EX.

Periodically through the night, Gina leans into me and feeds me snippet of why she's upset and trying to rationalise it all. I nod my head, say a few words, and drink with her. As the night wears on, we do more shots, and eye up the same guy at the bar, laughing we both shake off our troubles and start to enjoy ourselves. The girls are out tonight! Dx

Tuesday, May 20, 2008


Kerrist! I can't believe a month has flown by , I was catching up with Nora for a coerced drink (her coercing me!) last night, she had finally recovered from having *some chunks* (as she put it succinctly ) removed from her nasal passage, and was hanging out for a drink and a cig (not necessarily in that order), giving her a 30 sec moment of bliss as she inhaled and drank was quite amusing .  I said ' oi, make sure you don't dribble in front of me k' .  She just carried on oblivious in her bliss.
A few hours later after I had been given a lecture (yet again) about my production work (she's my unofficial CFO) she looked at me and said *D, you need to get laid* ...
"Geez thanks!" I said, 'why does it show?'  'Uh huh' was the bemused reply.  How does a person get that from another?  I mean is it printed in indelible ink on one's forehead?, is there a small post-it stuck some where on one's person that only a friend can see? Hmmm I wonder if a face tick has turned up and is broadcasting this nugget of information in Morse code to all and asunder.

  Eventually I told her to eff off as only a good friend can, my cobwebs are my business , which brings me to a funny tale about my sad state of affairs... I was in the office, of one of the companies I do event work for, and Bill, the owner who is a friend, was teasing me about an upcoming event I was working on for him.  'D, there's going to be a lot of guys at the launch hey, you might get lucky!'  he says with a huge cheesy grin . ' Bill, have you seen the caliber of men in this town?, it's not surprising I'm called the haunted house!' I say, as all the guys in the office start laughing including my best mate Kina who's helping me out with the deco.  ' He'll have to be a bit like the raider of the lost ark hey' says Bill 'Why?' I ask .. 'Because he's going to have to hack his way through to the temple of doom! ' says Bill as everyone rolls around the floor laughing hysterically.   Typical I think, well at least none of them have offered up their small mercy.. I look at Kina, she's joined the other side, I shake my head and depart with a v sign to them. I'm not even going to get into the big eyes, eyebrow lifting and fake winking every time some guy spoke to me that night... needless to say the word *score* did not pass anyone's lips at all.

 Don't get me wrong, there's nothing wrong with me, but I must say, being single nowadays is like dodging land mines, where do some men get their lines from? Is there a website or hand guide to the cheesiest lines ever? The standard line is 'where are you from?' . A myriad of answers gallop through my mind, from 'my mother's womb? to' take a stab in the dark' .... And then there are the friends who introduce you to their male friends whom they think are 'perfect' for you, most of the time after said painful introduction, the temptation to strangle your friend or pretend you're deaf is weighed up very very carefully. 

 It's a very confusing time as well to be single, the rules of engagement have changed, I mean now days no one goes on dates, seriously, when I asked a bunch of my male friends about what constituted a date, there were lines being drawn.  The guys who said 'well a date is when you call a girl up and ask her out to dinner which could be followed by a movie or clubbing' were labeled old skool where the guys who said 'well I'd ask her out for a drink ' were the guys who were now. Some of the women concurred. I mean 'hello, fancy a bonk' never did it for me, then or now. 

 And then there is the *choice* of men in our age group.. I was staring at this guy at a party, and flashes of Miami Vice (the TV series, not the movie) were popping up as I watched him schmooze his way about, and I thought 'really?' 'seriously?' 'for real?'  I'm sure that particular persona had died along with the padded shoulders... Craning around to see if there was a Ferrari parked next to the curb I was unexpectedly accosted by said sleeve pushing, pant pulling , gut sucking person.  'Hey, beautiful' is the opening line.  Caught  , I forgot to breathe, so paralyzed was I by the sheer audaciousness of Mr Retro, 'you know it's you I've been waiting for ' he says as I do an impersonation of a flounder, 'I know we're going to have a great life together' the creature continues, ' I can see you with me in my summer house, darling we're going to be married in six months time for sure, you can ask you friend Ari to be your best man, '  the said Ari, my 'former' closest male friend is sitting at the mini bar grinning at me, I swear I could see a pointed tail curled around the bar stool he was sitting on. I said ' uh, excuse me a sec, I have to see a man about a burial'.. and make a break for my 'former' friend Ari. Diving behind him I hiss 'W T F '! Do you know what he's saying to me!!!!' Ari gives a me a lazy smile and says 'c'mon D, he's an ok guy, maybe he really means it' I choke on my drink and Ari has to thump my back as I hold off the jets of gin and tonic which are threatening  to burst forth from my nostrils. ' Are you mad?, the guy is a total creep!' I manage to croak, I'm then joined by conspirator no. 2, who's also grinning at me, 'Yea D, c'mon, he's cute, he's rich, and he's coming your way....' Gina says. I look in disbelief at both of my friends as Mr Retro oils over. 'Hey guys, I want you to come to our wedding!' he cries out, 'this is my future ex wife!' My usual cutting lines have packed up and departed,  I can only look at him.  He continues ' hey darling, why don't you come over to my place, I've got these great king prawns, I can cook them up for us, they're so delicious, trust me, I won't do anything to you'  he says looking at me, well I think it's at me, as he's much taller and he could just be talking to my cleavage.  I manage an insincere smile and decline as graciously as I can.  The man can't take a hint, and says he's heading off, why don't I give him my number and he'll call me to give me directions to his place.  Two sets of eyes are burning into me, I stammer out my phone number really fast forgetting to switch the last number and hoping that because I'm rattling it off faster than the speed of sound he doesn't catch it.. my bad, he's had practice for sure as he repeats it back accurately.  

Fast forward two years later I'm still getting sms messages from him along the lines of ' You're impossible. Let me know when we can get together to discuss OUR future as we're not getting any younger'  Have I gone mad? Did I skip a chapter in my life somewhere? I have bumped into him sporadically at different places and it's always ' hey babe, I'm still waiting for you, hey everyone have you met my future ex wife!'  I can't tell you how fast an exit I make but I'm sure I've broken the 50 meter dash record in some country somewhere.

 In the mean time another mate of mine,with an innocent look, offered to buy me an industrial vacuum cleaner 'for the cobwebs', he says. The look lasted for two seconds,  before he turned around and collapsed with laughter. Setting aside the spring cleaning jokes, there is more to the haunted house that meets the eye.  Dx