Look at me ma, I'm meditating!

Maroochydore Bushland Park

I was invited recently to a Meditation Retreat.  It was a whole day event.  I was really looking forward to it, as I had never been to one before and had no idea what to expect. The only hope was that "please please don't say we can't talk for the entire day!"  That would really be a challenge for me! 

It turned out to be an awesome day, it was a small group but I must say Chad Foreman  from  The Way of Meditation , who ran this meditation retreat was so good.  He clearly explained what and why and how and answered all the questions gently and believe me there were a lot of questions!  There were varying levels from beginners to seasoned meditation practitioners . Some had their own paraphernalia and others like me just rocked in with a water bottle and a coffee in hand! (I am always prepared!)  But when you get down to the basics, all you need is to "be there." (know what I mean)

Meditation Hall looking out to the rainforest

I have really come a long way in terms of meditation. I practice almost everyday.  I also try to attend a monthly group my SIL runs. I chat about different types of meditation with various friends who also have their favourites (I feel it also deepens our connection).  It's been an enlightening journey.

A few years back there would have been little possibility of me participating in such an event.   I would have fidgeted, fretted, wondered about my phone calls and messages, my thoughts would have been all over the place and I probably would have been internally grumbling about a numb bum!  I would have been self conscious, I would have wondered what others thought of me,  I would be judgmental in my perception of the others there.  I had left the house changing my blouse at the last minute as it was so hot and realised there was a small hole in it, the now Dx just looked at it and went "oh well", the Dx before would have panicked, run back, rummaged around for another blouse, probably making herself late, then feeling rushed and ... well you can see how that goes.

But perspectives change, after having cancer, after re shifting my priorities in life, it set me on a path to truly find myself, who I am now, what I'm really about. In the beginning it was a bit of self blame as to why I had cancer, what caused it, what was I doing in my life that brought me to such a devastating full stop.   I surprisingly found that I wanted to be more spiritual, that meditation had become easier for me, that being in tune with my inner self was no hardship.  I'm calmer, my anxiety has gone from a  10 to a subdued 2.  I'm hoping to bring that further down as well. 

I was asked to do a series of photos with my family fo the Hand, Heart , Pocket foundation who contributed a huge ammount of money to Bloomhill. 

I do not poo pooh (that is an actual word, it is!) practitioners of different spiritual healing.  I've actually embraced them, and experienced them for myself.  I understand the high stress I was living in was a huge factor in getting the dis-ease. I absolutely thank my psychologist for helping me with that.    Though my diet was not particularly bad (no no mcd's once a week was OK.. right.. LOL) I am more aware of what I'm putting into my body.  During cancer my body just reacted so badly to meat so now days I have a more pescatarian diet, however as my daughter is a Vegan, I've had to really push my creative cooking boundaries to incorporate meals that we can all eat and are nutritious and delicious. 

Vegetarian Food Spread

The one thing no one tells you about or discusses with you after having Cancer is "then what?" How do you get on with your life.  How do you alleviate your fears of every single lump, bump, ache that it's not the dreaded cancer reemerging?  How do you normalise your everyday living, what is normal now?  A lot of of survivors take a while to be able to physically get back to some level of fitness, the average length I think is two years.   To make friends again or to help your friends understand who you are now without too much damage to your relationships.    The answer is one day at a time,  to treat yourself with love and kindness, to understand your limitations.  For example I broke down in tears that I couldn't finish the final heat on the dragon boat races, my lungs and heart just couldn't cope and I could feel it.  In the beginning I was really upset with myself and my body which I felt had let me down but then I realised, hey a year ago I was lying in a hospital bed, bald, with tubes going in and out of my arms and back, hardly able to walk up  the stairs and now I'm upset because I couldn't complete the 3rd race of a 500 m sprint in a dragon boat?  My body is what brought me through all this, it has nourished me, it has kept me alive, it has held me up.  I am so grateful for what it has endured and how it continues to function.

more than a year after Cancer

I've also learned to love me.  And so I gave myself a gift.  I bought myself a road bike.  I don't push too hard, I slowly increase my time and distance and when I feel I can't and don't want to ride, I honour it and do a session of yoga instead.  That is life, it has a series of choices, all of them to make you live it to your full capacity.  (Just don't 'ask Annie how many times I've asked her to lend me her bike pump!!)

 I try to live every day in the present,  sometimes I forget, I start stressing about the usual thing, bills, medical,.. things! then I have to gather myself, do a small meditation of "Gladitude",   https://youtu.be/8dcxLHXyuAU  or call my daughter or chat with my son.  I pick myself up and start again.  You can too.

Out of the Rabbit Hole and into the LIGHT! YIPPIEEEEE!

"You're so bloody stubborn!" says my bff Peggs over the Phone,
"Yes , I am, look at the dictionary under Dx and it says stubborn cow" . I say
"You know it's for the best right, just get it over and done with" . Says she who's never gone through chemo but loves me anyway
"No friggin way, after the last round (my 7th cycle) there is no way I'm going to go through that again, it's my body, and it's my decision, the end" . I grit out mulishly
"Come on Dx " she says
"I don't want to talk about it, So when are you coming over to visit " I say changing the topic very very quickly
"sigh... let me check my diary, hopefully April" she says

We chit chat a bit more and I know she's not really going to let it go but as I said, I just didn't want to talk about going to do another cycle , or going through the horrible experience like the last time, the nausea, the vomiting the stomach spasms,  aches,  the weight loss and weakness.  I was done.  Did you hear me DOC, I'm done!!!

Yes I did tell the Head Nurse and Doc about my decision, Doc said "Dx, we're going to give you an extra week, you're anemic and obviously need to rest but reconsider please, the dose won't be as strong because of the weight loss and this is the final cycle, lets kick it in the arse" ( I know who I want to kick in the a@#$.. humpf)

A couple of weeks later I'm in Hospital, having my final cycle of Chemo, I told everyone I'd be partying in between the chemo drips, bring on the disco balls and the non alcoholic dwinkies, we'll boogie down till we get told off or fall in a faint on the beds.

PAHHHHTTTAAYYYY

Yeah that was all in my head, I was making like the bestest of the best patient so they'd let me out pronto.  Which they did.

After that it was regular blood transfusions and blood tests to ensure I was ticking along, my final P.E.T scan was in the second week of May, and wouldn't you know it, during my transfusion, my temperature sky rocketed .  Doc walked past me and said, "we're admitting you Dx, gotta find out what that infection is"... LURVERLY, I just love being in hospital.. NOT.   Anyway, fast forward a week later, I'm sent home and am recuperating with bi weekly visits to the Doc until the P.E.T Scan happens.

Talk about a cliff hanger, I had the P.E.T scan (more of the "take a deep breath and hold please,  now breathe normally..)  but had to wait for another week before my oncologist talked to me about the results. anxiety much?   Results day came pretty fast and...... I'm in REMISSION!!!! oh yes I beat the beast folks.  (I would try to do a jig but the body ain't up to it YET)

WAZZUP DOC

What a long road it has been, but the Doc says, "Now's the rebuilding and recuperation period.  You have to watch out as you're aware your immune system is still weak, you have to start an exercise regime to rebuild the muscles that have all gone, (ya do you know where my bum has gone? I seem to have lost it)   you have to start eating properly to gain weight and you have to stop stressing."
   "Can I travel?" I ask hopefully.  He shakes his head, "because the tumour on your lung is taking it's time disintegrating, you'll have to wait till it's gone completely, it's just a dead lump (charming) right now. (He gives me the "look")  We'll talk about radiology in a couple of months time.  Booooo. Oh well as long as I'm healthy and there's no more chemo , everything is blue skies and sunshine.

So because I can't be in large public spaces I spend a lot of my time at Bloomhill Cancer Care.  I have my Art Therapy Classes on Wednesday

as well as  Group Meditation :

Meditation Room  this is a link to the video (for some reason I can't upload it here)<--- br="" link="" nbsp="" to="" video="">

Today however I did a workshop that is provided by the LOOK GOOD FEEL BETTER program, I had been given their leaflet when I was going through Chemo at the ADEM CROSBY CENTRE but just wasn't up to it.  Last week the girls at Art Therapy class egged me on so I called up and attended their workshop. Hey, I'm bald, no eyebrows and no eyelashes what have I got to lose?  (Please do not ask about hair in other places like some of my friends do... :-p )

It was a two hour workshop to show us how to take care of our skin, do our make up and to try out some wigs, scarves and caps by they two lovely ladies from The Look Good Feel Better Team

Mary is on the Right and she's the one you'll be dealing with when you book in QLD

All this Skin Care and Make Up once we've tried it on is for us to take home,!

And since we loose our hair, the wigs, scarves and caps are a welcome part of the workshop

After the two hours, I'd learned a lot , not only about Looking Good and Feeling Better but also the women around me who were going through or had just finished Chemo just like me.  Knowledge is power, the more you enquire and talk the more you find out.

So with that I've decided to start vlogging about simple recipes for our shattered taste buds, and tips from my cancer experience.   I'd love to give back to society as they've loved and supported me during my protocol.   I've just got to set up a crowfunding site to purchase the equipment etc.   If you have any suggestions, I'm all ears... hairless ones that is . Ha Ha Ha Ha
Dx

Is that the light at the end of the Rabbit Hole?

I was thinking of writing my blog a few months ago when we uploaded all the videos of the blond hair being lopped off, but then I've been a bit pre occupied with the chemo treatments and was in emergency with a high fever (it's what happens when you have a compromised immune system) so was in the hospital for 3 days with blood transfusions and antibiotics , they finally let me out. I must have looked like a missile outta control getting out of there!  Well I was counting my free days, 4 more and I had to go back in for another round of treatment.

Hello it's me!  still alive n kickin at Noosa! 

Reading through some of my texts and letters to friends and family it looks like I've totally lost my sense of humour ( I know I have as I've started posting on Face book political pages... which I never do as a rule!) and it seems that the treatment was my total focus (kinda of hard not to be! but hey there's more to life),  so I took my self to the  cancer centre called  BLOOMHILL
www.bloomhill.com.au   Best thing I ever did.  My designated nurse was fantastic, my brother had arrived on the same day so he came along to and was mightily impressed.   It's situated in the middle of this fab rain forest, the cafe which is on their deck is wonderful, peaceful and you could just sit there sipping your latte and nibbling on your lemon slice for ever.

Whilst we were taking in all this goodness, there was an unexpected cancellation and since I was there I managed to get a reflexology session.  It was bliss, and she dropped some important knowledge on me.   The thing I noticed is as cancer patients, we ask all sorts of people for advice but the best are the nurses and caregivers.  So now I've got something I can do with the numbness on my fingertips which is caused by one of the chemo combos.  You leave the centre feeling calm and peaceful.  Next time I went was for a psychiatrist consult.  Not scary at all, peaceful, lovely cuppa , brilliant view an such a patient calm doc. 

I have yet to go back and use their yoga or massage classes but I will as soon as we've got a rein on the appointments at the hospital  and my weekly chemo sessions.  Oh you want to know how it went with the Psychiatrist?  Well of course I'm mental but then it's a good mental and I'm in the normal zone so far!!!! I'm now closing on the last two cycles of my treatment.  Because of it's toxicity levels building up in me, my hemoglobin and platelet counts get wiped out so I have to go back n forth to the hospital for loads of transfusions.  A big huge thank you to those of you who donate blood and Platelets ( that's you Annie), we couldn't survive without you.

I'm sure my oncologist wished I'd be as thankful to him,  the other day at our appointment before he could do anything i said "look at my eyebrows!", he looked at them and said " err they're nice",  I said are they straight and do they look too dark?"   he said " no..., is there a reason to this? " .  "Yes !" I said, "as part of  an ongoing care for patients, doctors should provide eyebrow and eyelash accessories as part of hairloss due to chemo!", which floored him.  Well it kept him grinning for a few minutes. I have no idea how to do eyebrows, mine were low maintenance when I had them,  so I have to  keep asking my daughter to help out!  Annie finally got me eyebrow stencils, thank god for that, makes life so much easier. Don't even ask me about eyelashes, I'm still staring at the false eyelashes wondering how I'm going to glue it on... knowing my luck it'll adhere to upside down!! eeekkk

https://www.rosettelavedette.com/en/hair-growth-after-chemo/     Hair Growth After Chemo

My Doc keeps reassuring me I'm doing really well, and I'm dealing with it well too.  Huh if only he saw the sobbing, and sulking and moaning I do . (well none of you get to see it cept my kids and brothers... well that's what brothers are for!). Kids more because I love when they hug and hold me and tell me it's OK.  It's been a real ride down this rabbit hole and I've got 5 more weeks to go.

So here's the thing, I think I'm hooked on food porn, my appetite is totally shot to smithereens but with one of my close buddies posting Malaysian Specialties and my family and friends posting all the dishes they're eating, I'm addicted!  Which led me to search you tube for cancer friendly meals... lemme tell you, there is a LOT out there!!!  Let your common sense guide your tummy's path is all I can say.  I've turned into a pesco pollo vegetarian, even the smell of steaks on the grill turn my tummy.  And correct you want a slight tang with your food, so dishes like NOT SO HOT Tom Yum, Pho, fried glass noodles etc are so much more appetising.

Satay

Curry Mee

Asam Laksa

(https://youtu.be/YdD5mXZIjJs)

 (I sent out a distress call to all my close friends for sour plums!).   I've actually been toying with the idea of doing a small vlog on cooking for your self as a cancer patient.... well I might have a go at it once I get the wind in my sails again.

Dried preserved plums!

Anyway just wanted to touch base with you all, thank you for posting all your positive notes on my blog and fb wall as well as my Insta account .  To those who gave and gave for the GoFundMe Account that Annie hosted, thank you from the bottom of my heart ( a little bird told me I had so many of you caring for me) Reach out to me please anytime if you have questions or if you have answers.
Dx